How Open Should I Be with My Partner?
One of the most common complaints I hear in couples therapy is that communication in their relationship has taken a nosedive. Communication is so important for healthy relationships, and it can make all the difference when it comes to building trust, strengthening connection, and resolving conflicts.
But when things start to feel rocky, couples may notice that communication has closed off and misunderstandings happen more often than not. Something that I work to achieve with those couples is opening up communication again, and in today’s post I’ll explain a little bit about how that works.
What is Open Communication?
Open communication involves being honest, respectful, and transparent with your partner. It means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns in a manner that is clear, non-blaming, and non-judgmental. It also involves actively listening to your partner's perspective and seeking to understand their point of view. When we increase openness and honesty, we can create an environment of trust, safety, and intimacy that is absolutely essential for loving relationships.
Why is Being Open Important in Relationships?
For many, being open can feel too vulnerable and too scary. Maybe there are parts of yourself that you do not wish to share or comments you are afraid to make to help “protect the relationship.” While there should always be a right to privacy in relationships, we can experience so many benefits when we practice being more open with one another. Here are just a few of those benefits:
Building trust: When partners are open and honest with each other, it helps to build and reinforce trust. That means less second-guessing and doubting what the other person is saying, thinking, or feeling.
Promoting peace: When conflicts or disagreements arise, using open communication can help resolve them more quickly. By sharing perspectives and listening (really listening) to each other, partners can work together to find a solution that works for both of them. Or at the very least, feel understood enough to feel more at peace with the issue.
Strengthening connection: When we share our thoughts, feelings, and concerns with our partners, it creates a sense of emotional intimacy that can deepen romantic connections. We tend to feel closer with our partners after sharing or being shared to. Opening communication creates never-ending well of intimacy.
Healing past wounds: For many of us, communication becomes closed off after we have had negative experiences with being open. Maybe it was a parent who lectured every time you opened up, or a partner who used past disclosures against you. When two people commit to a culture of openness and safety, we can heal these past wounds and build up more positive experiences.
Tips for Cultivating Open Communication
Here are some practical tips for communicating more openly in your relationship:
Practice active listening: This is a crucial first step. We cannot expect to communicate safely if we are not open to listening. When your partner is speaking, focus (and I mean really focus) on what they are saying and avoid interrupting. Ask questions to clarify their perspective and show that you are interested in their point of view.
Be honest, clear, and direct: Avoid complicated explanations, being passive-aggressive, or using sarcasm, as this can create confusion and tension. If it helps, you can think about and write down some main points that you want to get across before approaching your partner.
Use "I" statements: A classic tip, but always a good one. When sharing your feelings, try to focus on your perspective and how you are feeling, instead of your partner’s behaviors. For example, instead of saying "You never listen to me," say "I feel totally on my own when we don't have time to talk."
Avoid blame: An off-shoot to using “I” statements, but very important. It is often too easy to focus on what you feel your partner may be doing wrong, but open communication is not about placing blame. Instead focus on: taking personal accountability, making requests instead of complaints, and sharing your emotions.
Be respectful: Always be respectful of your partner's feelings and opinions, even if you disagree with them. Being open with someone can take a lot of courage, especially if we have been feeling closed off. Encourage each other to be open by responding with respect, empathy, and understanding.
Be mindful of timing: Standing in line at the grocery store is probably not the best time to open-up a conversation about how your in-laws make you feel. I, myself, am guilty of bringing things up at less-than-appropriate times (have you ever cried while eating at a restaurant?), but try your best to pick environments and times that foster safety and mutual privacy.
To wrap things up, open communication is an absolutely crucial and loving component of healthy relationships. By practicing some of the tips mentioned above, you and your partner can co-create an environment of trust, emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and connection. If you're struggling to communicate openly with your partner, don't hesitate to seek the support of a couples therapist. In couples therapy, your therapist can help safely guide you through building healthy, open communication with your partner.
