Why You and Your Partner Aren’t Getting Along
“I love my partner but we keep fighting”
Relationships go through natural ups and downs. There are times where we feel close and connected to our partner, and times where we experience some distance and disconnection. For many couples, these “down times” can grow into repeating patterns that erode emotional intimacy and safety in the relationship.
When we get stuck in these patterns, it feels almost impossible to get out of them. We feel like we’re on a merry-go-round of mutual hurt that we can’t seem to get off. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we call these patterns “negative cycles,” and learning how to interrupt them is very much possible.
How Negative Cycles are Formed
Humans are hard-wired to need connection and safety. We want to feel like we can rely on our partners, especially in times of need. When we feel like we can’t depend on or connect safely with our partner, we go into a state of emotional pain. This emotional reaction often leads us to rely on our own defensive mechanisms, which can then affect our partner.
The origins of this emotional pain can often be traced back to our childhood attachment experiences with our caregivers. For example, if we grew up with caregivers who were inconsistent or unreliable, we can develop an anxious attachment style that can affect our experiences in our adult relationships.
Now let’s imagine a scenario with a couple, we’ll call them Riley and Sarah. When Riley is feeling anxious about the relationship, they may be needing closeness and reassurance from Sarah. If Sarah has an avoidant attachment style, they might find themselves feeling overwhelmed and pull away from Riley. This then heightens Riley’s anxiety, prompting them to need even more closeness. This cycle continues, with each partner's actions triggering the other's defensive response, until they find themselves trapped in a dance of seeking and withdrawing. This is the negative cycle.
Getting Out of Negative Cycles
Thankfully, with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we can find a way to break out of these negative cycles. In EFT, couples can learn how to identify these patterns and interrupt them in a way that restores emotional safety and trust. When you start couples therapy with a therapist trained in EFT you can expect to learn how to:
Recognize the signs that you are entering a negative cycle
Build an understanding of your underlying attachment needs
Communicate in a safe way that promotes mutual understanding
Create healthier, more adaptive ways of relating and meeting each other’s needs
Your therapist will invite you and your partner to approach your negative cycles with curiosity, instead of blame or shame. Over time, you will build a shared awareness of the cycle which will help you begin the process of responding to one another’s needs in a more attuned way.
If you feel you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle and would like help navigating your way out, you can reach out to me via this link to request a 15-minute consultation. As a couples therapist, I am dedicated to helping couples like you find their way back to the connection you crave.
